foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
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