My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
I wear drunk well.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Randomize
