i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
