I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Randomize
