my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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