I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I touched a dick in church today
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
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