Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Randomize
