im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Randomize
