The maid of honor just puked.
My room smells like vodka and shame
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
