last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
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