do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
