does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
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