if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Randomize
