Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
