i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
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