Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
