I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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