I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
