I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
My cat gives me a boner
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
