K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Randomize
