she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
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