he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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