Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Randomize
