im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
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