I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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