Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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