I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
i hope someone procrastinates by putting up the pics up...
sarah said she can't even post all of hers due to facebook indecency rules
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Randomize
