I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
