Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
