Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
