Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
