You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
Any of you guys fuck a 16 year old again? Because our front yard got fucked over high school style.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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