I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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