how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
