did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Randomize
