My Higher Power is John Stamos
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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