the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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