You're my little dorito
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
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