Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
