I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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