weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
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