it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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