The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Randomize
