hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
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