we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
