I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
