Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
