You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Holy shit dude........stairs
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
