My friends, they love my intelligence
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
