The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
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