ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
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