i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Randomize
