I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
When did angry sex become our thing?
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
