no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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