my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
