Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
