you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Randomize